"Carry on down there about three five miles until you come to the gimpy child with the hula hoop. Keep an eye on him he’s a contrary fucker! You never know what way he’s gonna left next! Keep going until you come to a graveyard! With a hen it it! And if that hen is looking at you, and I mean STRAIGHT FUCKING AT YOU… you may as well come home. You’ll have no luck today. What the fuck are you going to Offaly for anyway?"